Post by larocque6689 on Feb 25, 2005 1:10:49 GMT -5
Post subject: Dr. Baltar's next project - a prophet detector
www.slweekly.com/editorial/2005/deep_2005-02-24.cfm
How to Spot a Prophet
With so many revelators out there, who is the real deal?
by D.P. Sorensen
City Weekly has learned that scientists at Brigham Young University are working feverishly to perfect a state-of-the-art Revelator Detector. Documents indicate that church general authorities have put the project at the top of their to-do list. Insiders tell us the Brethren want a foolproof means of distinguishing between true revelators and bogus revelators. According to Dr. Emer Crankmore, director of the Institute of Advanced Revelator Detection, the Brethren are “fed up with clowns like Brian David Mitchell who try to pass themselves off as revelators.”
In fact, the urgency to get the Revelator Detector on the market is a direct result of all the attention given to Mr. Mitchell, aka Immanuel David Isaiah, the former temple worker charged with kidnapping Elizabeth Smart.
Mr. Immanuel is not the first nut case to proclaim himself the successor to the original Prophet, Seer and Revelator Joseph Smith Jr. But how are people to know whether he, or any other would-be revelator, is really getting revelations from God? How to know if that still, small voice in your head comes from God, Satan, a microchip implanted by the CIA, a magic mushroom, or a potent cocktail of brain chemicals? How do you know if the burning in your bosom is the manifestation of the Holy Ghost or just acid reflux?
Given the clear scientific fact that Mormon prophets, seers and revelators are the only homo sapiens since the old days to speak with the Almighty, scientists working on the Revelator Detector decided to use Joseph Smith Jr. and his successors as the standard by which to measure revelators. And since Joseph Smith Jr. is the undisputed king of revelators (according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the Prophet Smith received 29,453 revelations in his lifetime, or just over two a day), scientists always use him as the initial measuring stick to assess the claims of self-proclaimed revelators.
Contrary to rumors, the Revelator Detector is not an actual instrument like the polygraph machine. Nor can it analyze saliva, urine, blood or stools, despite the fact that many scientists have speculated that the latter may ultimately hold the key to pinpointing revelators. Instead, the Detector is a highly sophisticated computerized reciprocal algorithm that calibrates a variety of traits, characteristics and quirks. A prototype of the Revelator Detector has already been used to test the revelator status of the aforementioned Immanuel David Isaiah.
Mr. Immanuel passed the polygamy portion of the revelator test with flying colors. Like Joseph Smith Jr., the former temple worker got a direct revelation from God to espouse a multitude of wives. This revelation is still in force, having been tabled rather than rescinded.
Initially, it appeared as if Mr. Immanuel failed the all-important “smooth man” portion of the revelator test. Joseph Smith Jr. was known for his close shaves. Mr. Immanuel is a noted hairy man, while Joseph Smith Jr. was a smooth man. But BYU scientists had to keep Mr. Immanuel in the set of all possible revelators when archivists dug up photos of hirsute prophets such as Brigham Young, John Taylor and Heber J. Grant.
After many arduous hours in the laboratory, BYU investigators were convinced they had found something that would eliminate Mr. Immanuel from the ranks of revelators. In perusing old documents in church archives, they came across a little-known fact about Joseph Smith Jr. Besides being a good wrestler, a good speaker, a good rail-splitter, a good money digger, and a deadeye three-point shooter, the Prophet was an accomplished song stylist. He was widely known as the Rod Stewart of his generation.
According to eyewitness reports, the Prophet would burst into song at the drop of a hat, including the one containing his seer stone. It is recorded in the diary of Shadrach Roundy that during a sermon on the approaching Millennium and the coming of the Lord, the Prophet suddenly detached the mike from pulpit and strolled up and down the podium crooning, “Wake Up, Little Susie,” and “Save the Last Dance for Me.”
Unfortunately, Mr. Immanuel has recently proved himself to be no mean song stylist himself, entertaining the judge at his mental-competency hearing by crooning such classics as “Crazy” and “Fly Me to the Moon,” thus maintaining a toehold on his status as revelator.
“It’s back to the drawing board for the Revelator Detector,” says Dr. Crankmore.
www.slweekly.com/editorial/2005/deep_2005-02-24.cfm
How to Spot a Prophet
With so many revelators out there, who is the real deal?
by D.P. Sorensen
City Weekly has learned that scientists at Brigham Young University are working feverishly to perfect a state-of-the-art Revelator Detector. Documents indicate that church general authorities have put the project at the top of their to-do list. Insiders tell us the Brethren want a foolproof means of distinguishing between true revelators and bogus revelators. According to Dr. Emer Crankmore, director of the Institute of Advanced Revelator Detection, the Brethren are “fed up with clowns like Brian David Mitchell who try to pass themselves off as revelators.”
In fact, the urgency to get the Revelator Detector on the market is a direct result of all the attention given to Mr. Mitchell, aka Immanuel David Isaiah, the former temple worker charged with kidnapping Elizabeth Smart.
Mr. Immanuel is not the first nut case to proclaim himself the successor to the original Prophet, Seer and Revelator Joseph Smith Jr. But how are people to know whether he, or any other would-be revelator, is really getting revelations from God? How to know if that still, small voice in your head comes from God, Satan, a microchip implanted by the CIA, a magic mushroom, or a potent cocktail of brain chemicals? How do you know if the burning in your bosom is the manifestation of the Holy Ghost or just acid reflux?
Given the clear scientific fact that Mormon prophets, seers and revelators are the only homo sapiens since the old days to speak with the Almighty, scientists working on the Revelator Detector decided to use Joseph Smith Jr. and his successors as the standard by which to measure revelators. And since Joseph Smith Jr. is the undisputed king of revelators (according to the Guinness Book of World Records, the Prophet Smith received 29,453 revelations in his lifetime, or just over two a day), scientists always use him as the initial measuring stick to assess the claims of self-proclaimed revelators.
Contrary to rumors, the Revelator Detector is not an actual instrument like the polygraph machine. Nor can it analyze saliva, urine, blood or stools, despite the fact that many scientists have speculated that the latter may ultimately hold the key to pinpointing revelators. Instead, the Detector is a highly sophisticated computerized reciprocal algorithm that calibrates a variety of traits, characteristics and quirks. A prototype of the Revelator Detector has already been used to test the revelator status of the aforementioned Immanuel David Isaiah.
Mr. Immanuel passed the polygamy portion of the revelator test with flying colors. Like Joseph Smith Jr., the former temple worker got a direct revelation from God to espouse a multitude of wives. This revelation is still in force, having been tabled rather than rescinded.
Initially, it appeared as if Mr. Immanuel failed the all-important “smooth man” portion of the revelator test. Joseph Smith Jr. was known for his close shaves. Mr. Immanuel is a noted hairy man, while Joseph Smith Jr. was a smooth man. But BYU scientists had to keep Mr. Immanuel in the set of all possible revelators when archivists dug up photos of hirsute prophets such as Brigham Young, John Taylor and Heber J. Grant.
After many arduous hours in the laboratory, BYU investigators were convinced they had found something that would eliminate Mr. Immanuel from the ranks of revelators. In perusing old documents in church archives, they came across a little-known fact about Joseph Smith Jr. Besides being a good wrestler, a good speaker, a good rail-splitter, a good money digger, and a deadeye three-point shooter, the Prophet was an accomplished song stylist. He was widely known as the Rod Stewart of his generation.
According to eyewitness reports, the Prophet would burst into song at the drop of a hat, including the one containing his seer stone. It is recorded in the diary of Shadrach Roundy that during a sermon on the approaching Millennium and the coming of the Lord, the Prophet suddenly detached the mike from pulpit and strolled up and down the podium crooning, “Wake Up, Little Susie,” and “Save the Last Dance for Me.”
Unfortunately, Mr. Immanuel has recently proved himself to be no mean song stylist himself, entertaining the judge at his mental-competency hearing by crooning such classics as “Crazy” and “Fly Me to the Moon,” thus maintaining a toehold on his status as revelator.
“It’s back to the drawing board for the Revelator Detector,” says Dr. Crankmore.
